"Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I'm most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me."
--Anne Hathaway
If you read the news, you know the world has a loneliness problem. Last year, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Surgeon General of the United States, released a Surgeon General Advisory, calling attention to the issue of loneliness. The health impacts of loneliness have been described as equivalent to 15 cigarettes per day. The Advisory estimates that absenteeism related to loneliness and the resulting stress costs U.S. employers $154 billion annually.
Loneliness contributes to heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety, dementia, and an increased likelihood of contracting respiratory and infectious illnesses. In 2022, only 39% of adults in the U.S. reported feeling very connected to others.
I know something about loneliness. Ten years ago, shortly after accepting a position as Head of School of a small, independent Montessori school, I learned two things. First, the school was in dire financial condition, unable to pay creditors and struggling to make payroll. Second, I knew that my husband of 25 years wanted a divorce and had been having a relationship outside the marriage for nearly two years.
I spent a year becoming divorced, and at the same time, the school I was responsible for leading was falling apart. My time was divided between calling creditors to ask for time to pay and calling donors to ask for donations. That time was excruciatingly lonely.
My answer was to throw myself into work. Even though I knew it wasn’t entirely true, I felt I bore the full responsibility for ensuring the school remained open. (Conversely, when the school succeeded and built a thriving team, I could easily see the team effort responsible for success). Worse, as the leader at the school (and a new arrival at that), I didn’t feel that I could turn to people at school about the stress it was causing me. In my mind, I needed always to keep it together. At the same time, I began life again as a single adult, and my daughter was with me only half the time. I filled the void with work; for better or worse there was plenty of it.
Unfortunately, my answer to loneliness (work) also perpetuated more loneliness. The more I prioritized work, the less time I had available for social connections. And when I did have the time, I felt frazzled and stressed. I opted out of many social events just because I needed to rest. I was in a loneliness spiral of sorts.
I love some of the recommendations in the Surgeon General’s Advisory. They include practicing gratitude, seeking ways to serve others, avoiding distractions when with others, nurturing social relationships, reducing screen time, and finding ways to make social interactions more meaningful. I have integrated many of these—focusing on gratitude on Thursdays (what I call Thankful Thursday). As I plan my week on Sunday afternoons, I pay attention to where I can and will connect socially. If there are gaps, I reach out to friends and make plans. I celebrate small things with others—e.g., the first day I go barefoot in the spring grass, the summer solstice, completing a deck, or having some extra food to share. I took my consumption of social media down to almost nothing. I have a dog, and he keeps me walking every day.
Although these are all great things, none of those activities address one of the fundamental causes of loneliness in the U.S.—a culture based on work. Our culture centers on work, endeavor, financial success, individualism, and consumerism. Work receives more importance, value, and time than social relationships for most professionals and leaders. In addition, leaders often feel they must be able to care for their organization, and they sacrifice to that end.
The Surgeon General’s Advisory includes recommendations for employers. The most important is implementing policies that protect workers’ ability to prioritize social connections. Specifically, the report suggests implementing policies that create and respect work and non-work time boundaries.
Unfortunately, leaders struggle mightily to create and respect boundaries for themselves. During my year of turmoil, even when I was home, my brain constantly thought about, tested solutions for, and worried about the school. We can physically respect the boundaries between work and non-work. However, our brains do not have a natural boundary, and there is no magic off switch for stress.
Since my deep dive into loneliness ten years ago, I have become more comfortable asking for and receiving help. I’ve created and nurtured friendships and social connections. I am deliberate about being outdoors and in nature (where I feel joy in solitude more than loneliness). Currently, I am divorced and live alone. Recently, I began working from home. I can go for days without seeing another person. At times, I relish the solitude and the ability to create flexibility for myself. At other times, I keenly feel lonely.
The truth is that it doesn’t matter how connected we are. There are times we will feel lonely. I felt utterly vulnerable and alone after a recent car accident when I stood in the cold night on a street corner, dazed and wondering what I should do. I had many people I could (and did) reach out to for help. But it was still a lonely experience. I am convinced that it would have felt lonely regardless of my marital status, employment, socio-economic status, race, or gender. Sometimes, life includes experiences that are just lonely.
The trick is putting ourselves in a different spot on the continuum between loneliness and social connection. It also means that we need to allow time for our minds to rest so that we can focus on things other than work (for a practical way to do that, I invite you to check into Lon Swartzentruber’s upcoming resting retreat.) Every action we take for ourselves as individuals and for our communities and cultures to center social connection is a move toward anti-loneliness.
If you are a leader, please consider taking deliberate action this week to cultivate your social connections. Then, take three steps toward centering relationships within your organization and creating space for social connection at work.
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