Lots of Grace & Lots of Space

When we get stressed, we tend to act quicker and think and feel slower.

I was coaching a group of board members the other day, helping them think through how best to respond to their current situation. When suddenly, one of the board members blurted out something that surprised me (and the others in the room.) I paused and asked, “if you could rewind the tape, how might you say that differently?” He took a deep breath and said, “Well, I probably wouldn’t have said it. What I said only made the situation worse.”

When you do this to someone, or someone else does it to you, give that person some grace and the space to respond from a place of calm.

2. When in doubt, pose a question.

When stress is present in our bodies, some of our internal systems tend to shut down - this includes our ability to control our emotions. Being present in the moment can be hard to do when we have been cooped up in the house for hours on a marathon Zoom call.

A frustrated Head of School asked me the other day if I thought his board was genuinely engaged in developing a new governance covenant or whether or not they really wanted to change how they governed the school. Yikes. So, I said, "I have two questions for you - one a little more challenging than the other. First, are you willing to get curious?" He nodded. "Second question: What question could you pose to them that might help uncover what they mean by governance?"

I wonder which one was the more challenging question? Even the most emotionally intelligent people can get stressed and make assumptions. Taking a step back to ask a clarifying question, from a posture of curiosity, can help push aside those dark clouds and let in the sunshine.

3. What would I want to be done to me?

At the end of the day, we are human. And humans, every last one of us, make mistakes.

Earlier this month, I received an e-mail from a colleague asking me a question. What he asked of me was a relatively simple question. I knew that he knew the answer or could easily find the answer out on his own, but for some reason, he was asking me (I really don’t like those kinds of e-mails).

My first e-mail was not my best. It was short, quick, and had an edge to it (see points #1 and #2 above). As soon as I pressed send, I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I took a deep breath and composed a second, longer, and more comprehensive e-mail answering his question thoroughly and asking a follow-up question. I also apologized for my first e-mail.

Sometimes we forget to pause and ask a question or take the time to think and feel before we act. In those moments, it can be helpful to ask ourselves, what would I want to be done to me? Let’s do that!

The golden rule is golden for a reason - it works every time…So does giving lots of grace and lots of space.

If you would like to schedule a high-value 30-minute discovery call to learn more about creating more grace and space in your work, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. As always, please feel free to call me at 616.516.9870 or e-mail me at lons@designgroupintl.com.